Been a Long Time

Wow, I just realized that it's been well over a month since I last blogged! Honestly, this is in part to the fact that I got to a point where I just didn't care. I didn't care about blogging or facebook or hearing people's input. I tend to be a pretty high-strung person and I put far more pressure on myself than anyone ever has. For some sick reason I always feel the need to go beyond anyone's expectations as though I have something to prove to everyone, as though the only way someone could want me in their life is because of the things I do or achieve.

I'm still not sure why I have always had this personal monster, my mom even recalls that it all just kind of started once I started kindergarten. Something in me just snaps and I have to put on the red cape and become super woman and do everything and anything that needs to be done, and never ask for help because that would be my kryptonite. I can't have a weakness and I sure as heck can't let anyone ever see it, right?

Well, the good thing about being an adult (or trying to be one) is the lessons we seem to see a bit clearer. I'm starting to realize that I'm not alone and that I don't have to try and do everything perfectly by myself; no one expects me to. I'm still not sure where this urge stems from, and I may never know. However, I do know that I MUST get a handle on it before we start building our family. I can't even imagine trying to work full-time, clean/maintain a home AND be a positive interactive influence for our kids...if I have this immature sense of having to "do it all".

I think that this is partially why I left blogging and facebook alone...I was so busy criticizing myself with work and home that I just didn't want to bring in another audience to judge me. I was doing enough judgement on myself! Plus, I started to notice that I was getting very judgmental and cynical because of facebook. I was letting things that people posted get to me and I found myself building with fumes over the idiotic things people would post. So, I distanced myself. I am starting to agree with my husband to a point that facebook is a waste of time. However, it is one of the main forms of communication that I have with some people, my baby sister for instance! I never know when she has a phone, I don't know her email address or if she ever checks it...but I do know that I can get a hold of her on fb :-)

Anyways, I kind of realized that this blog is more for me and I don't really care if anyone reads it, agrees with it or learns from it. In the end, it's kind of my therapeutic outlet; me time. I think (to a degree) that we all should allow ourselves to be a little selfish from time to time; to take care of ourselves and allow ourselves a moment to be happy. The main reason: well if you aren't happy why on earth would people want you around?

Life is a juggling act, and people like me who try to juggle too much on their own eventually fall, hard! So, my new personal goal is to:

1. Ask for help
2. Let the less important "plates" fall
3. Realize that I can't do everything perfectly
4. Realize that NO ONE expects me to do everything perfectly
5. Truly give things over to God

thank you and God bless!

p.s. I cannot wait til our little Vegas get-away next month...I need some R&R!